Mick. I hear your name often, within my mind. It is a silent whisper in spirit form just reminding me from time to time that you are here. That you are well and emotionally whole again and helping others do the same.
You talk to me of your mother and of your brother, passing on to me your worry for them both to be okay. Your death was hard on them, harder for your youngest brother especially even as time moves on still. Even though he is a man. He searches, asking questions of why, as hard of a person you may have been, a love to hate and hate to love pain in the arse really; when you were here alive, breathing and in physical form.
Although through my calling I hear you and feel you and know you are there. I catch my breath sometimes as the memory becomes fresh once more. And maybe it is because you are around so much too. Haunting me with your unrequited love and touching my soul.
Trust you to be my protector even now. Although it had been at least 2 years since we’d utter a single word and then you died. Just like that. A hit of wanna-be-heroine to drown your pain.
You were here with me though, always in my heart. Even the times I told you I’d had enough and made you stay away.
I let you down and there could be no other way. We were souls on different paths and it was only ever meant to be something momentarily between us. Not that I understand all that stuff back then. A different time, a very different me. I understood one thing though… We just weren’t right for each other Micky.
I still loved you though, in my own way.
I can feel you even now, your spirit energy joining mine as the raw emotion of your love runs through me as I write. I feel the tears in my eyes and not because you are gone, I understand you are home, and that you are healed. It is because of the loving and gentle soul I feel you’ve finally become – a peace that could never be yours while you were here alive. I cry because it is beautiful and because I am proud. You embraced your spiritual journey once you were gone. Embraced it and flourished in it. Who would ever have thought a tough man like you would?
I suppose in hindsight I did. I saw through you, I always did. The big heart you had and the good you did for all those that you loved back.
Yet other times you were toxic too.
Sometimes I still wish I would’ve let you be to me what you wanted to be to me then. It is easy to think that now that you are gone though. Because it can never happen. I’ve romanticize you. We both know it. We both know too, that I love more who you are now than who you were then.
I am sorry.
You were a hard man Micky, and I had a part to play in that too.