Finding our way through forgiveness
Forgiveness. I used to hate that word, be so dissociated from it that I wouldn’t have known where to begin even if I’d wanted to forgive someone in my life.
I’d bared witness to many hurts many times throughout my years. Hurt and a great deal of trauma and believe me, I held onto the wrong-doings done to me and that I did to myself for dear life. I wrapped them all up and gifted them to myself each day. Allowing myself to be defined by only that.
“I was that girl that’d been sexually abused…”
“The girl that drowned herself in drugs.”
“I was that girl that’d been hit and hit and hit more times than she could count by the man she loved…”
“I was that girl that wouldn’t feel and wouldn’t let healing in because I couldn’t bear to face my pain…”
I saw myself as damaged and so branded myself as that every day; and in the defining, lived a significance and sense of identity I was otherwise unaccustomed to.
I held grudges, I blamed, I kept my heart guarded and impenetrable and in all honesty, it made it damn near impossible to feel love let alone be loved. Unless it was destructive and aligned with what I believed to be true about myself at the time. That people were only there to hurt me because I was unworthy of goodness.
It was a lonely world and it was everyone else’s fault.
To truly grow within ourselves, there needs to come a time where we undoubtedly realize we are in control of our own destiny and that the past really doesn’t define who we stand as now and us moving forward. Unless we allow it to of course, as I had done every day in my past.
For me, one of many awakenings came at a moment of meditation whilst sitting my first spiritual development circle. I’d been there for a while and although I’d had growth in so many ways, I still continued to brand myself as ‘that damaged girl’. Never feeling, never healing and so on and so on.
I can’t remember the particular meditation now, nor too much of the detail. What I do remember though, was seeing all that was and is and can be simultaneously. All the profound and defining moments in my life specifically created to make up my strength of character.
I also saw my soul pod, my soul family.
The expected faces were there of course. Those of my children and other members of my physical family. Those of old and new friends and with each one, I could make the choice to see deeply into the nature of our connection in this life and the lessons that surrounded each.
So I chose one, that particularly stood out to me, that of my ex-partner. He was the father of my children and at one time, the love of my life. He was violent and nearly every day for the 5 years we were together I lived in fear as I walked around on egg shells.
I wasn’t surprised by his presence in my soul pod. We’d had children together so how could he not be there? It was what I learned that astounded me.
While in this meditative state I was shown that while we might have had a turbulent life together this lifetime around, while we were in our soul pod together there was only love between us. I’m not talking about the earthly love most of us have experienced at one point or another. I am talking about a love so unconditional, so profound there are just no words.
I was shown the contract we’d made with each other and I was shown the sacrifice we’d both made to come down and be in such a toxic relationship. To teach us both the extremely hard lessons our soul was ready to experience.
Now don’t get me wrong. In no way is the violent and scary physical experience I had with this man right nor do I condone violent behavior.
If this is an experience our soul has chosen to learn from, it is to overcome it, not put up with it and I would suggest to any woman or male living with a violent partner to get out as soon as they can.
My lesson was to learn to leave – which I did, finally after lifetimes of violence with this soul (one lifetime in which I recalled in a past-life regression him killing me with an axe). His lesson this time around? Well I’m still trying to figure that out…
It anyone had told me before this moment that I could ever begin to reach a place where I was able to ‘let go’ and feel forgiveness for this man I would have said “No way!”.
Yet in that meditative state, in a circle of safety among my peers, I finally began the process of letting go. Of realizing I could forgive.
It was that moment of ‘wow’, that outside of the physical life we now know, we have only love and compassion.
In that moment I was able to recognize the soul love we had for each other and so I chose to bring that love back with me into the physical world; to send towards him so that I could start to forgive him. Although I didn’t recognize that was what I was doing at the time.
Now let me get something clear, that doesn’t mean I went and invited him back into my life. FUCK NO! We may have a soul connection and one in which we are a part of the same soul group, when we are in spirit. Yet in this life, he was still a danger to me and I could never let my guard down. Nor would I ever condone his behavior. Ever.
Little by little I could begin to forgive though; I could begin to let all the anger I’d built up over the years go, all the fear. And so I did.
Now I am not saying this happened overnight. This first experience was many years ago and I’ve only in the last year come to what I believe, are the final stages of healing from my shared journey with him.
Does that mean I don’t still feel negative emotions towards him? Well when he causes my grown baby girl to cry and my son to retreat into himself through his actions, of course I do. There is no anger to it though, nor bite or charge and it transforms easily into compassion and empathy. I am still able to retain my calm. So now when I think of him, it is only with love and a compassion for a soul who became lost along his way.
Forgiveness gave me that.
What Forgiveness gave me
So we are clear. Forgiveness is never for or about the person we are forgiving. It is for us personally so that we can allow the negative feelings that held us tightly in the past, to dissipate. All so we can discover our inner peace. So we can move forward. So we can live in love as we deserve to.
Although I’ve only told one story here, forgiveness played out in my life in many ways and with many people. Warranted, some still hold charge especially around my early childhood abuse. Yet it is a process in motion and one I am committed to making and healing from.
It gave me the ability to let go of my anger, to let go of all my hate. To let go of all the angst I had felt inside. Stopping me, blocking me from moving forward.
Most importantly though, it gave me permission to realize I was worthy of love. Real love and not the one born from destruction like in the past.
Forgiveness gave me myself back and I became worthy of goodness. My heart was finally able to shine, to awaken and feel the world again.
Learning forgiveness was opening a doorway to my own healing
10 Guidelines to Forgiveness
1. Acknowledge what has happened. The rawness and the uncensored truth as you know it. Allow it to filter into your awareness and don’t hold anything back. Your experiences have a right to be validated.
2. Unapologetically feel your feelings: You’ve been hurt and perhaps even traumatized and at the beginning of any healing journey, especially one of forgiveness and self-healing, you need to give yourself permission to feel, to vent and totally immerse yourself in what emotions may come up. It is totally okay and completely normal to do so.
Share your experience through writing or perhaps with a trusted friend.
3. What happened in the past happened and as much as I’d love to say we can change it, we can’t. We can only choose to move forward and make a commitment to ourselves to do whatever it takes to enable healing so that we can find a place of peace within ourselves.
So if you feel you are ready, perhaps you can make that commitment today. Turn it into a mantra and write it down. Place it somewhere it can be seen, makes it easier to hold yourself accountable at the times your healing journey is tough.
4. It is really important to feel supported when you are going through any type of healing process and so think about enlisting the help of a therapist or healing modality you are drawn to. There are a tonne of resource and amazing people out there in the healing fields that would be more than happy to help you. It is just about having a health outlet to release your negative emotions.
5. Be truthful about your own behaviors! Make an honest assessment of what part you may or may not have played in the experience you are wishing to find forgiveness around. This can be tough to do so step away from the judgement of yourself and of others involved and allow yourself to see it all for what it was or is.
6. Allow yourself to see or at least start considering there is a bigger picture – much like the experience I had with the meditation I mentioned. We are really spiritual beings living this physical experience and we are all here to learn soul lessons. Some of which are really fucking hard and some of our harshest teachers are a part of our loving soul pod.
I’ll be honest, it was this experience that most made forgiveness possible for me. Rightly something else may have come a long to make it easy and for me, experiencing a meditation like this, was it. That and gaining the knowledge I did throughout my spiritual development as a medium and psychic.
7. Delete and choose again. You may find your mind focusing on the negative events and unless it is in a specified time you’ve allowed yourself to vent and surrender to your emotions, simply delete the thought and choose again.
I use this technique a lot and the more you practice it, the easier it will get in helping you to ‘let go’.
8. Say what you need to say to the person involved. Now this may or may not be something you want to do face-to-face. I know for me, writing is always the better outlet. It gives me the chance to completely empty out and say exactly what I need to, unhindered.
You may even want to do this in a meditation. Imagine talking to their higher-self. They will have an awareness of this conversation on a soul level. Ultimately though, do what is right for you. I did mine through a Matrix Therapy technique as well as other countless techniques. Find what works for you.
9. Choose to let the past go. It no longer serves you and you don’t need to allow it to keep defining who you are now so why hang on to it? It is time to let it go.
This will happen as quick or as slowly as it needs to based on where you are on your healing journey and especially based on how committed you are to making it happen.
10. THE MOST IMPORTANT! Take active steps to discover self-love. Once we are in a space of love and acceptance for ourselves, that will resonate outwardly.
This is where the magic really happened for me. Through the discovery of my own capacity for self-love and self-acceptance. The more open to it I became, the more love I felt towards myself and so the easier letting go and forgiving became.
I’ve shared parts of my story here with you because I felt so drawn to. The topic of forgiveness has come up so much recently, on social media and in one-to-one sessions with clients. I’ve got to experience first-hand through those interactions, how much ‘not forgiving’ still has the power to hold people back in their past.
Now what I’ve written is not going to resonate with everyone so take just what you can from it regardless of how small the learning was.
Not everyone who has hurt you will be a part of your soul pod as my ex-partner is. Nor may you be ready to sit at the same level of forgiveness and love as I feel for him now. Give it as much time as it needs and to put it into perspective for you? I left this man almost 20 years ago and didn’t start to work on forgiveness until about 6 years ago. This was my experience and may not necessarily be the same as yours. I just wanted to give you just one example of how the journey of forgiveness can happen.
It will be up to you to find yours, let it be what it needs to be and I am wishing you all the best of luck with it.